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Introspect

by Searchlight

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1.
Purgatory 02:48
I’ve been living in a purgatory day after day, but I can't confess my sins. I want to believe, but I can't. I've got no soul to save. Give me something to feel. I have nothing to live for. I've watched days turn into years and I'm still searching for my home. But for all my efforts, I fear I’ll have nothing to show. My whole life, I've waited for a sign that someone's up there, but I've never heard a sound. If nothing gold can stay, then why was it here in the first place? Give me reason to believe this life is more than I can see. All I want is to sleep at night, but I can never shut my eyes. I've spent this year as a living ghost. I need something that's real. I've spent my life trying to place the blame. It’s not my fault. Let me be free.
2.
How do you sleep at night? You got what you wanted, but at what expense? You've done this to yourself. I've given up on you. It's fucked up that you're fine. I'm stuck living in this goddamn mess you made. The things you've stolen are worth more than I can pay. I can't keep living with this deficit. You don't deserve to live the life you've got. The selfishness that took over you – it left you with nothing to lose. Even though I can't forgive you, is it fucked up that I'm fine? You've stolen everything you own. How can you even claim this life as yours? You've stolen everything you own, and it's fucked up that you're fine.
3.
Penitent 03:16
4.
Knives 03:23
I only wanted you to listen. I never meant to start the fights. I promised to be true, so what the fuck does that say about you. Going through the motions day after day left me with nothing but a negative outlook on everything. I never asked for help, I don't think I could. I was meant to learn how to survive on my own. All those nights I drank myself to sleep, all I wanted was to be at home. I never learned to be alone, stuck in the cycle of a broken home. I never knew who truly cared until I had nowhere left to go. What is this hell that I've made for myself. I was given every route to take, but I dug a hole in place. What is this hell that I've made for myself. I was given every route to take, when will I find my place. I was given everything, but didn't know what I had until it was too late. It took years of failed attempts at replacing what I had never lost. Ungrateful, Ungrateful: the only word of my persona I see fit. Shameless, fucking shameless. There are some things I’d like to admit. Rejected, rejected by myself.
5.
Haunt 02:53
Am I alive? I'm fucking hopeless and I'm not okay. I carved my face to push you away. I never had an ounce of faith in myself, so why would you have faith in me? I've had enough of walking into a wall. I'm embarrassed by myself although I won't say anything. And every night I revisit my pain, it carves a hole in my chest that swallows me. There's a reason why I cry at night. A haunt behind me I could never fight. Can't find the courage; wouldn't know where to start. But I will stay my course before I slip away. No matter how hard I try I still slip away. No matter how hard I fight, I still slip away. It feels like I’m slipping away. It feels like I’m losing myself. I only have myself to rely on. But how can I do it anymore? Am I alive?

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released February 1, 2016

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Searchlight Lowell, Massachusetts

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